Gratitude for Families: Stoic Thankfulness, Gently Done

The most famous Stoic book begins with a thank-you list. Before Marcus Aurelius says anything about duty, death or the universe, Book 1 of the Meditations records what he learned from the people around him, starting with his grandfather and working through parents, teachers and friends.

That makes gratitude one of the most natural Stoic practices to bring home. This guide covers simple daily habits for kids and parents, what a few named studies actually found, and how to handle the Stoic practice some modern readers call negative visualization in a way that is gentle and age-appropriate.

Marcus's thank-you list

The first line of the Meditations reads: "From my grandfather Verus [I learned] good morals and the government of my temper" (Meditations 1.1, in George Long's translation). The entries that follow thank his father, mother, teachers and friends, each for something specific. According to the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, Book 1 is also where Marcus records his gratitude to his Stoic teachers Rusticus, Apollonius and Sextus for their examples and teachings. He closes the book thanking the gods for "good grandfathers, good parents, a good sister, good teachers, good associates, good kinsmen and friends, nearly everything good" (Meditations 1.17).

Notice what Marcus is grateful for. It is mostly people, and mostly the character they modeled, not possessions. That is an easy pattern to borrow. Try a family round of "From ___ I learned ___." A six-year-old might say, "From Grandpa I learned how to plant beans." A teen might say, "From Coach I learned to keep going when we're losing."

What named studies found, and what they didn't

Gratitude research is promising but more modest than popular claims suggest. Three studies are worth knowing:

• In "Counting Blessings Versus Burdens" (Emmons and McCullough, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2003), participants were randomly assigned to list things they were grateful for, list hassles, or a comparison condition. The gratitude groups showed heightened well-being "across several, though not all, of the outcome measures," with the effect on positive affect, or positive mood, the most robust.
• In "Counting Blessings in Early Adolescents" (Froh, Sefick and Emmons, Journal of School Psychology, 2008), eleven classes with 221 early adolescents were randomly assigned to a gratitude, hassles or control condition. Counting blessings was associated with higher self-reported gratitude, optimism and life satisfaction, and with less negative affect. The strongest link was with satisfaction with school.
• In "Raising Grateful Children One Day at a Time" (Hussong and colleagues, Applied Developmental Science, 2019), 101 parents of children ages 6 to 9 kept a seven-day diary. On days when parents did more to encourage gratitude than usual, they reported relative increases in their children's displays of gratitude.

These are specific findings from specific groups, often based on self-report. They suggest gratitude habits can help how people feel; they do not make gratitude a treatment for anxiety or depression. If your child seems persistently sad or worried, talk with your pediatrician.

Daily habits by age

The AAP's HealthyChildren.org suggests focusing on what went "right" each day: take a couple of minutes at bedtime to write down or talk about at least one thing, no matter how small, that you are grateful for, and consider collecting them in a family "gratitude jar." The site's Gratitude Jar tool works the same way. Other ideas by age:

• Toddlers and preschoolers: model it out loud. "I'm thankful the bus driver waited for us." Ask, "What was the best part of your day?", a question HealthyChildren.org recommends.
• School-age kids: try three good things at dinner, or a weekly "From ___ I learned ___" note to a grandparent, teacher or coach.
• Teens: suggest a short thank-you text to someone who helped them, or service they choose themselves. HealthyChildren.org encourages helping teens find causes they care about, such as volunteering or collecting for a food bank.
• Parents: thank your kids specifically, as Marcus did. "Thank you for being patient while I was on that call" teaches more than "Say thank you."

Try not to turn gratitude into a scold. Specific, warm appreciation that you model yourself is closer to what Marcus did, and HealthyChildren.org lists being a role model among its tips: show your appreciation regularly and kids learn to follow.

Seneca's version: enjoy them now

Seneca put the Stoic attitude toward loved ones simply: "Let us greedily enjoy our friends, because we do not know how long this privilege will be ours" (Moral Letters 63.8, in Richard Mott Gummere's translation). The line just before it describes how he held his friends: "For I have had them as if I should one day lose them."

Epictetus gives a practice for this. He advises reminding yourself what kind of thing you love, "beginning with the merest trifles: if you have a favorite cup, that it is but a cup of which you are fond of—for thus, if it is broken, you can bear it" (Enchiridion 3, in Thomas Wentworth Higginson's translation). He then applies the same reminder to family members, which is a demanding exercise meant for adults.

Negative visualization, handled gently

Briefly picturing life without something can sharpen appreciation for it. With children, scale matters enormously.

• Keep the adult version private. A parent can quietly think, "Someday these noisy breakfasts will be over," and then enjoy this one more. Never ask a child to imagine a parent or sibling dying.
• With kids, start with the cup. "What if our power went out tonight? What would we miss?" Then flip the light on and enjoy it. Or, "Imagine summer without the pool. Aren't you glad it's open?"
• Keep it brief and end on appreciation, not on the loss.
• Skip it with a child who tends to worry. If an exercise leads to repeated questions about bad things happening, switch to reassurance and connection.

If worries keep coming up, or interfere with sleep, school or friendships, mention it to your child's pediatrician or a mental health professional. For a crisis, call or text 988 (US).

Key takeaways

• The Meditations opens with gratitude for people and what they taught, a pattern families can copy with "From ___ I learned ___."
• Named studies, such as Emmons and McCullough (2003) and Froh and colleagues (2008), found benefits on some measures, not a cure-all.
• Small daily rituals, such as naming what went right at bedtime or keeping a gratitude jar, are enough.
• Seneca's advice is to enjoy loved ones now, knowing time is limited.
• Keep negative visualization small and light with kids, and keep its sterner forms for private adult reflection.

Sources

• Marcus Aurelius, Thoughts of Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (George Long, trans.)
• Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, Letter 63 (Richard Mott Gummere, trans.)
• Epictetus, The Enchiridion (Thomas Wentworth Higginson, trans.)
• Emmons RA, McCullough ME, Counting blessings versus burdens (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2003)
• Froh JJ, Sefick WJ, Emmons RA, Counting blessings in early adolescents (Journal of School Psychology, 2008)
• Hussong AM et al., Raising Grateful Children One Day at a Time (Applied Developmental Science, 2019)
• American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org), How to Practice Gratitude
• American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org), 10 Things to Be Thankful For