The Dichotomy of Control: Epictetus's Big Idea for Families

If Stoicism has a front door, it is the first sentence of Epictetus's Enchiridion: "Of things some are in our power, and others are not" (Enchiridion 1, in George Long's translation). Modern readers call this the dichotomy of control. It is simple enough to explain to a young child and deep enough that Epictetus built a whole teaching career around it.

For parents, it can turn a hundred daily frustrations into one steady question: is this mine to decide? Below is what the passage actually says, what it does not say, and how families can practice it at home.

What Epictetus actually wrote

Epictetus lists what is in our power: "opinion," "movement towards a thing," "desire, aversion," and "in a word, whatever are our acts." Then he lists what is not: "the body, property, reputation, offices (magisterial power), and in a word, whatever are not our own acts" (Enchiridion 1, Long).

He then warns what happens when we mix the two up. If we treat what belongs to others as our own, "you will be hindered, you will lament, you will be disturbed, you will blame both gods and men." In the Discourses he boils the habit down to a question to keep ready: "What is mine, and what is not mine; and what is permitted to me, and what is not permitted to me" (Discourses 1.1, Long).

The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy explains that Epictetus's key word here, prohairesis, usually translated "volition," means our capacity for choice. Our convictions, intentions and actions are truly ours; our bodies, possessions, relationships and reputations are "externals."

In plain English

Up to me:

• What I make of what happened
• What I choose to do next
• What I want and what I try to avoid
• How I treat people, including when I am upset

Not fully up to me:

• Other people's choices, moods and opinions
• The weather, traffic, the referee and the final score
• Whether I get sick or hurt
• Anything that has already happened

The body on Epictetus's "not in our power" list surprises people. He does not mean you should ignore your health. He means you can care for your body but cannot command it: anyone can catch the flu or break an arm despite doing everything right.

Three common misreadings

1. "So I shouldn't care how things turn out." Epictetus disagreed. He compared life to a game of dice: "How do I know what the cast will be? But to use carefully and dexterously the cast of the dice, this is my business" (Discourses 2.5, Long). Stoics still prefer health, good grades and a won game; they simply do not stake their peace of mind on getting them. Effort is ours. The scoreboard is not.

1. "If I'm upset, it's my fault for thinking wrong." Epictetus did say people are disturbed "by the opinions about the things" (Enchiridion 5, Long), but that does not make unfairness imaginary or mean a child should quietly accept being mistreated. If someone is hurting your child, telling a trusted adult and getting help is exactly the part that is in their power.

1. "Control means controlling my kids." This is the one parents most need to hear. A child's choices are the child's own acts, not yours. What is yours is your example, your tone, the limits you set and whether you follow through. A pediatrician writing about tantrums for the American Academy of Pediatrics' HealthyChildren.org notes that a parent's "consistency from day to day is key." That is a very Stoic place to put your effort.

For parents: sorting your own day

Imagine a school morning. The bus is early, your eight-year-old will not put on shoes, and you have a meeting at nine. Not yours: the bus schedule, your child's mood, the meeting time. Yours: leaving five minutes earlier tomorrow, offering two clear choices instead of a power struggle, and the tone of your voice right now.

The same pediatric guidance suggests offering "small, directed choices with options rather than yes/no questions." Which shoes, not whether shoes. That keeps the decision a child really does own in their hands.

Epictetus also gave a short exercise for hard moments: "practise saying to every harsh appearance: You are an appearance, and in no manner what you appear to be" (Enchiridion 1, Long). Then ask whether it concerns something in your power. A modern family version: "That's a thought, not a fact. Is this mine?"

For kids, by age

These are suggestions, not milestones. Every child develops on their own schedule.

• Preschoolers (about 3 to 5): Keep it physical. Imagine two baskets labeled "my job" and "not my job." Drop in picture cards: picking up toys, rain at the park, sharing a snack, a friend's grumpy face. Do this in calm moments, never in the middle of a meltdown.
• School-age kids (about 6 to 11): After a game, test or friendship bump, ask: "What part was yours? What part wasn't?" The Dichotomy Game on this site turns this into a quick sorting challenge.
• Teens: Ask, don't lecture. Grades, college admissions, friendships and social media all mix effort they control with outcomes they do not. Ask what they can do this week, and what they would like to stop carrying.

When sorting isn't enough

Sorting worries into "mine" and "not mine" can lighten everyday stress, and the Worry Shredder on this site is one playful way to practice. But it is not a treatment for anxiety. The American Academy of Pediatrics says it is normal for children to have difficult thoughts and feelings, and that when these happen more than usual and get in the way of daily life, it could be a sign of something more serious. Signs it lists include worrying about things for no reason, avoiding activities because of fear or anxiety, and changes in sleep or eating.

If you notice signs like these, talk with your child's pediatrician, who can also help you decide whether to see a mental health professional. If your child talks about suicide or you think they are in danger, call or text 988 (US) right away.

Key takeaways

• Epictetus divided life into what is our own act (judgments, choices, desires) and what is not (bodies, property, reputation, other people).
• "Not in our power" does not mean "not worth caring about"; effort is ours even when outcomes are not.
• Your child's choices belong to your child; your example, limits and consistency belong to you.
• Practice in calm moments with concrete, age-appropriate sorting.
• It is a thinking tool, not anxiety treatment; talk with your pediatrician about persistent worry.

Sources

• Epictetus, A Selection from the Discourses of Epictetus with the Encheiridion (George Long, trans.)
• Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, Epictetus (rev. 2025)
• Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, Stoicism (2023)
• American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org), Top Tips for Surviving Tantrums
• American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org), How to Talk with Your Child and Their Pediatrician About Mental Health Concerns
• American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org), What Should I Do If My Child or Teen Is Thinking About Suicide?