The Four Stoic Virtues: A Parent's Guide with Examples by Age

Ancient Stoics organized good character around four main virtues. Diogenes Laertius, an ancient historian of philosophy, summarized their teaching simply: "The following are the primary: wisdom, courage, justice, temperance" (Lives of the Eminent Philosophers 7.92, in R. D. Hicks's translation). Marcus Aurelius, writing privately to himself, asked whether he could find anything in life "better than justice, truth, temperance, fortitude" (Meditations 3.6, in George Long's translation).

The Stoics did not invent this list. The Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy traces it to Socrates and Plato's Republic. What the Stoics added was the claim that each virtue is a kind of knowledge, and that the virtues come as a package. As the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy puts it, for the Stoics "whoever has one virtue has them all."

One more thing is worth knowing before applying any of this to kids. The Stoics did not expect children to be sages. According to the Stanford Encyclopedia, they held that humans are not born with reason but acquire it later in life. Children are works in progress, and so are adults. The goal is not perfect little philosophers. It is planting seeds and practicing.

Wisdom: knowing what really matters

The Stoics defined wisdom as "the knowledge of things good and evil and of what is neither good nor evil" (Diogenes Laertius 7.92, Hicks). In practice, that is the skill of telling what deserves our energy from what does not. The Internet Encyclopedia lists good judgment, discretion and resourcefulness among its parts, and describes practical wisdom as what best allows us to deal with whatever happens.

• Preschoolers: After a choice that did not work out, such as a tower built too tall, ask, "What could we try next time?" You are teaching that mistakes are information.
• School-age kids: Practice telling a "big deal" from a "little deal." A lost pencil and a hurt friend are not the same size of problem.
• Teens: Before a hard decision, ask them to name what actually matters here. Then listen. Epictetus drew heavily on Socrates, and the Stanford Encyclopedia compares his teaching to the Socrates of Plato's dialogues, with his "fondness for argumentative give and take."

Courage: doing the right thing when it is hard

The Stanford Encyclopedia describes Stoic courage as "knowledge of what should be endured and feared." It is not the absence of fear. It is knowing which fears to act on and which hardships are worth bearing. The Internet Encyclopedia lists perseverance, confidence and magnanimity among its parts. Epictetus suggested that when hardship comes, we look for the strength it calls on: "If labor (pain) be presented to you, you will find that it is endurance" (Enchiridion 10, Long).

Courage also includes restraint. The American Academy of Pediatrics encourages parents to tell children that "it takes more courage to walk away from a fight than to stay and fight."

• Preschoolers: Saying hello to a new neighbor, trying a bite of a new food, or going down the slide that looked too big.
• School-age kids: Telling the truth about a broken dish, or getting an adult when a classmate is being picked on.
• Teens: Owning a mistake without excuses, or refusing a ride with a driver who has been drinking and calling home instead.

Courage never means pushing a child into real danger or brushing off real fear. If fear keeps your child from everyday activities, the American Academy of Pediatrics lists that as a sign to talk with your pediatrician. In a crisis, call or text 988 (US).

Justice: fairness and kindness toward everyone

For the Stoics, justice was much broader than rules and punishments. The Internet Encyclopedia describes it as practical wisdom applied to living with others, and lists piety, kindness and sociability among its parts. The Stanford Encyclopedia explains that the Stoics extended justice to all human beings, whom they pictured as fellow citizens of one universal city. Marcus Aurelius put it in one line: "Men exist for the sake of one another. Teach them then, or bear with them" (Meditations 8.59, Long).

Epictetus gave advice that fits sibling squabbles remarkably well: "Everything has two handles, the one by which it may be borne, the other by which it may not." If your brother wrongs you, he says, take hold of the other handle, "that he is your brother, that he was nurtured with you" (Enchiridion 43, Long).

• Preschoolers: Taking turns, and noticing when someone else has not had one.
• School-age kids: Inviting the new kid to join the game, or splitting the last slice of pizza fairly.
• Teens: Treating people online the way they would face to face, and being fair to people who think differently.

Temperance: the right amount

Temperance, sophrosyne in Greek, is the virtue of self-control and balance. The Internet Encyclopedia lists propriety, a sense of honor and self-control among its parts, and calls it wisdom applied to matters of choice. Marcus Aurelius thanked his grandfather for teaching him "the government of my temper" (Meditations 1.1, Long).

Temperance is not deprivation. It is enjoying good things in the right amount, at the right time.

• Preschoolers: Waiting a short, predictable time for a turn or a treat. Keep expectations small; self-control at this age is just beginning.
• School-age kids: Helping set a screen-time limit and then stopping when the timer goes off, without a reminder.
• Teens: Balancing sleep, phones, spending money and plans with friends, and noticing how they feel when they overdo one of them.

How the virtues work together

Because the Stoics saw the virtues as one connected skill, a single situation often calls on all four. Imagine a ten-year-old who sees a friend copying answers during a test. Wisdom sees what matters, courage speaks up, justice considers fairness to everyone in the class, and temperance keeps the reply calm instead of preachy.

A few habits help at home:

1. Name virtues when you see them. "That was courage, telling me about the dish." Specific beats general.
2. Model them. The American Academy of Pediatrics reminds parents: "Children do what they see others do." It adds that you are your child's most important role model.
3. Correct without shaming. Instead of "You're such a coward," try "That was hard. What would courage look like next time?"
4. Make it visible. The Virtues Grid on this site lets a family track which virtues showed up in a week.

Key takeaways

• The four Stoic virtues are wisdom, courage, justice and temperance; the Stoics saw them as one connected excellence.
• Stoic courage is knowing what to endure and fear, not fearlessness.
• Stoic justice reaches everyone, starting with the people at your own table.
• Temperance means the right amount, not going without.
• Children grow into reason gradually, so practice with small, age-appropriate steps and lots of modeling.

Sources

• Diogenes Laertius, Lives of the Eminent Philosophers, Book VII (R. D. Hicks, trans.)
• Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, Stoicism (2023)
• Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy, Stoicism
• Epictetus, A Selection from the Discourses of Epictetus with the Encheiridion (George Long, trans.)
• Marcus Aurelius, Thoughts of Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (George Long, trans.)
• American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org), Everybody Gets Mad: Helping Your Child Cope with Conflict
• American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org), How to Talk with Your Child and Their Pediatrician About Mental Health Concerns
• American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org), What Should I Do If My Child or Teen Is Thinking About Suicide?