Mistakes and Losing: Raising Kids Who Try Again

A spilled glass of milk, a red mark on a spelling test, a lost soccer game, a part in the school play that went to someone else. Childhood is full of small failures, and each one is a chance to learn something about effort, disappointment and getting back up.

The Stoics had a clear way of thinking about this: our efforts and choices are up to us, and outcomes are not. Modern child-development experts add something the Stoics would recognize: children learn to handle setbacks best with a steady, supportive adult beside them.

This guide covers how to respond to mistakes, losing and bigger letdowns in a way that builds a child up rather than leaving them ashamed or afraid to try.

What resilience means, and what it doesn't

The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University describes resilience as "an adaptive response to serious hardship." Its research summary states that "the single most common factor for children who end up doing well is having the support of at least one stable and committed relationship with a parent, caregiver, or other adult."

Two cautions keep this honest. First, the Harvard findings are mainly about serious adversity, not lost board games. Second, the Center also says that learning to cope with manageable threats is critical for developing resilience, and that with the help of supportive adults this "positive stress" can be beneficial. Everyday setbacks are a gentle version of that: a manageable challenge, met with your support.

So the goal is not to toughen kids up by leaving them alone with failure. It's to stay close while they work through it.

The Stoic split: effort and outcome

In Enchiridion 1, in George Long's translation, Epictetus says that what is in our power is, "in a word, whatever are our acts." The final score, the teacher's grade and the casting decision are not our acts. Practicing, paying attention, being a good teammate and trying again are.

The Stoics did not say outcomes are meaningless. As the Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy explains, someone making progress in Epictetus's Stoicism still pursues "preferred" things such as health, wealth, friends and family, but is not distressed at setbacks or failure, because none of these things is entirely up to them. For a child, that means it is fine, even good, to want to win. Winning just isn't the measure of whether they did well.

A simple family question captures this: "Did you do your part well?" It can have a yes answer on a day the team loses, and a no answer on a day it wins.

When your child makes a mistake

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), in its guidance on self-esteem, says children need to feel comfortable, not defeated, when they make mistakes or fail. It suggests explaining that setbacks are a normal part of living and learning, offering supportive feedback that recognizes effort, and sharing your own mistakes so your child can see you move beyond them.

Marcus Aurelius gave himself similar advice. In Meditations 5.9, in George Long's translation, he writes: "Be not disgusted, nor discouraged, nor dissatisfied, if thou dost not succeed in doing everything according to right principles, but when thou hast failed, return back again."

"Return back again" is a good phrase for kids. A hypothetical script after a seven-year-old knocks over his milk and starts to cry:

"Whoops. Spills happen to everybody, even grown-ups. What's our next step?" (Get a towel.) "Yep. Let's clean it up together."

No lecture, no sighing, no "I told you to use two hands." The mistake becomes a small repair job, and the child learns that mistakes are fixable.

Epictetus adds a point about blame. In Enchiridion 5 (Long's translation), he says that someone whose instruction is complete chooses "neither to blame another, nor himself." This doesn't mean ignoring what went wrong. It means skipping the blaming and moving straight to what to do next.

Losing games and competitions

The AAP notes that in early school years children's wish to do well is very strong, and many learn that losing is bad. It also observes that children tend to cheat or bend rules when games or schoolwork are too complex for them, or when they feel pressure to always perform well. Its suggestion: family games where chance is involved can teach children to compete with one another without cheating.

Some ways to practice losing at home:

• Play games of luck with young children so losing isn't about ability.
• Lose gracefully yourself, out loud: "Oh, I wanted that one! Good game. Rematch tomorrow?"
• Before a game, agree on one thing everyone can be proud of no matter who wins, such as taking turns kindly or not quitting halfway.
• After a game, ask what was fun or what they'd try next time, before or instead of the score.

The AAP's advice on chores applies here too: praise your child's effort, not the outcome. Its self-esteem guidance offers examples like "Good try—you're working harder."

Bigger setbacks: the team, the test, the friendship

Some disappointments land harder: not making a team, a failing grade, losing a friend. Here the first job is simply to let your child be sad. A setback hurts, and a Stoic approach does not require pretending otherwise.

Once the first wave passes, help your child look at what is still in their hands. In Meditations 6.19 (Long's translation), Marcus writes: "If a thing is difficult to be accomplished by thyself, do not think that it is impossible for man." For a child, that might become: "Hard isn't the same as impossible. What's one step you could take?"

A hypothetical script with a twelve-year-old who didn't make the team:

"I'm really sorry. You worked hard for this." (Pause. Listen.) "Later, if you want, we could think about what's next: asking the coach what to work on, trying another team, or taking a break. You don't have to decide tonight."

The AAP also cautions about expectations: set them neither too low nor too high, because if expectations are so high a child never succeeds, they may feel powerless and incapable.

When disappointment becomes something more

Most setbacks pass. But talk with your child's pediatrician if sadness, worry or frustration after setbacks lasts for weeks, causes real distress, or interferes with school, home or friendships, which is the threshold the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) describes for seeking help. If your child talks about wanting to hurt themselves, seek help immediately; in a crisis, call or text 988.

Stoic ideas are a parenting lens for ordinary disappointments, not a substitute for professional care.

Key takeaways

• Harvard's Center on the Developing Child identifies at least one stable, committed relationship with a supportive adult as the most common factor for children who do well despite serious hardship.
• Effort and choices are up to us; outcomes are not. It's fine to want to win, but winning isn't the measure of doing well.
• Treat mistakes as repair jobs: "What's our next step?" Marcus Aurelius's "return back again" fits kids well.
• Practice losing at home with games of chance and by losing gracefully yourself.
• Let a child be sad about big setbacks before helping them look for one next step.
• Talk to your pediatrician if distress lasts for weeks or disrupts daily life; in a crisis, call or text 988.

Sources

• Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, InBrief: The Science of Resilience
• Epictetus, The Encheiridion, or Manual, in A Selection from the Discourses of Epictetus with the Encheiridion (trans. George Long), Project Gutenberg
• Marcus Aurelius, Thoughts of Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (trans. George Long), Project Gutenberg
• Keith H. Seddon, Epictetus, Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy
• American Academy of Pediatrics, Building Blocks for Healthy Self Esteem in Kids, HealthyChildren.org
• American Academy of Pediatrics, Competition and Cheating, HealthyChildren.org
• American Academy of Pediatrics, Age-Appropriate Chores for Children, HealthyChildren.org
• National Institute of Mental Health, Children and Mental Health: Is This Just a Stage?