Worried Kids: Stoic Tools and When to Get Help

"What if nobody sits with me?" "What if there's a storm tonight?" "What if I fail the test?" Children worry, sometimes a lot, and a worried child can make a whole household feel tense.

Some worry is a normal part of growing up. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) says it is normal for children and teens to feel anxious sometimes, like before a big test or speaking in front of a group. The Stoic philosopher Seneca wrote a whole letter about fears that run ahead of reality, and his advice adapts well to everyday childhood worries.

This guide offers some Stoic-inspired tools for ordinary worry, and then, just as importantly, clear guidance from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and the AAP on when worry may be anxiety that needs professional help. Stoic ideas are a parenting lens, not a treatment.

Seneca on suffering in imagination

In Letter 13 of his Moral Letters to Lucilius, titled "On groundless fears" in Richard Mott Gummere's translation, Seneca writes: "There are more things, Lucilius, likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality."

He then breaks worry into three patterns (Letter 13.5): "some things torment us more than they ought; some torment us before they ought; and some torment us when they ought not to torment us at all."

That list is a useful map for parents. Is this worry too big for the situation? Is it arriving too early, about something that hasn't happened? Or is it about something that may never happen?

The Stoics were not against all caution. The Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy notes that among the Stoic "good feelings" is caution (eulabeia), contrasted with fear. Looking both ways before crossing the street is caution. Lying awake for hours over a test next month is the kind of fear Seneca wanted to loosen.

Tool 1: Is it here now?

Seneca offers a rule for telling real troubles from imagined ones: "We are tormented either by things present, or by things to come, or by both" (Letter 13.7). For present troubles, he says, the decision is easy. Many children's worries are about the future.

A hypothetical script with a six-year-old worried at bedtime about a storm:

"Let's check. Is there a storm right now?" (No.) "What's happening right now?" (I'm in bed. You're here.) "Right now, you're safe and cozy. If a storm comes later, we'll handle it then, together."

Seneca puts it this way in Letter 13.11: "Perhaps it will come, perhaps not; in the meantime it is not."

Tool 2: Check the evidence, gently

Seneca urges Lucilius to "consider whether your proofs of future trouble are sure" (Letter 13.8), and reminds him: "How often has the unexpected happened! How often has the expected never come to pass!" (Letter 13.10).

Older children can play worry detective. What makes you think this will happen? Has it happened before? What else could happen?

One important caution: checking the evidence should never become arguing a child out of their feelings. The AAP advises parents to talk with children about their anxieties and be sympathetic, and not to belittle or ridicule a child's fears or pressure them into being brave. Listen first. Investigate together second.

Tool 3: Sort the worry, then act on your part

Most worries contain something a child can do and something they can't. The AAP suggests reminding children that they can take steps to control their worries, for example by thinking ahead about what to do in a stressful situation.

A hypothetical script with a ten-year-old worried about a math test:

"What part of the test is up to you?" (Studying. Getting sleep. Reading each question carefully.) "And what isn't?" (Which questions are on it.) "Let's make a plan for the first part. The second part we can let go of."

For the part that can't be planned, a ritual can help a child set it down. The Worry Shredder on this site is one way to do that: name the worry, then let it go.

Tool 4: Small brave steps

The AAP's tips for anxious children include practicing deep breathing and muscle relaxation, using positive self-talk such as "I can try this" instead of "I can't do this," thinking of a safe place, and gradually facing fears. It suggests praising and rewarding brave behavior, noting that the goal is to cope, not avoid.

This answers Seneca's complaint in Letter 13.8: "We do not put to the test those things which cause our fear." But go at your child's pace. Small steps, with you nearby, work better than a big push.

The AAP also recommends routines, enough sleep, physical activity and one-on-one time with your child, even just 10 minutes a day. And because children pick up on adult stress, it encourages parents to get support for themselves too.

When worry may be anxiety that needs help

Everyday worry and an anxiety disorder are not the same thing. The CDC explains: "Although fears and worries are typical in children, persistent or extreme forms of fear and sadness could be due to anxiety or depression." It notes that a child may be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when they do not outgrow typical fears, or when fears and worries interfere with school, home or play.

Signs to watch for, according to the CDC and AAP, include:

• Fears or worries that don't go away or that keep a child from sleeping, playing, going to school or seeing friends
• Irritability or anger, which the CDC notes can also be a sign of anxiety
• Trouble sleeping, fatigue, headaches or stomachaches
• Avoiding activities, school or social situations
• A racing heart, sweating, shaking or feeling sick when worried

NIMH suggests seeking help if a child's behavior or emotions last for weeks or longer, cause distress for the child or family, or interfere with functioning at school, at home or with friends.

The first step, according to the CDC, is to talk with a health care provider such as your child's primary care provider, or a mental health specialist, about getting an evaluation. The AAP notes that a type of therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy can be helpful for children with anxiety. An AAP article on teen anxiety also stresses that anxiety is treatable, and that the earlier it is diagnosed, the easier it is to treat.

If your child's behavior is unsafe, or your child talks about wanting to hurt themselves or someone else, seek help immediately. In a crisis, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline in the US. In a life-threatening situation, call 911.

Key takeaways

• Some worry is normal; Seneca's line "we suffer more often in imagination than in reality" helps children see that many fears run ahead of the facts.
• Ask: Is it here now? What's the evidence? Which part is up to me?
• Always listen and sympathize first; never mock a fear or force bravery.
• Small, gradual brave steps, deep breathing and positive self-talk are AAP-recommended ways to help children cope.
• Worry that persists, is extreme, or interferes with school, home or play deserves a call to your child's pediatrician or a mental health professional.
• In a crisis, call or text 988.

Sources

• Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, Letter 13: On Groundless Fears (trans. Richard Mott Gummere), Wikisource
• Scott Rubarth, Stoic Philosophy of Mind, Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy
• American Academy of Pediatrics, Help Your Child Manage Anxiety: Tips for Home and School, HealthyChildren.org
• American Academy of Pediatrics, Fears and Phobias in Children: How Parents Can Help, HealthyChildren.org
• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Anxiety and Depression in Children
• National Institute of Mental Health, Children and Mental Health: Is This Just a Stage?
• American Academy of Pediatrics, Anxiety in Teens is Rising: What's Going On? (Claire McCarthy, MD), HealthyChildren.org