What's Up to Me: Teaching Kids Control at Every Age

Most parents have watched a child melt down over something nobody could change: the rain that canceled the park, the friend who moved away, the referee's call. The Stoics built their whole approach to life on a single distinction that speaks directly to these moments: some things are up to us, and some are not.

The idea is simple to say and hard to live, for adults as much as kids. The good news is that children can start learning it young, as long as the lesson fits their age. A four-year-old needs a game, a ten-year-old needs a sorting tool, and a fifteen-year-old needs a conversation partner, not a lecture.

This guide walks through each stage, with sample scripts you can adapt. The scripts are hypothetical examples, not formulas. Use your own words and your own child's situations.

The idea in one sentence

The Enchiridion, or Handbook, of Epictetus opens with it. In George Long's translation, Enchiridion 1 begins: "Of things some are in our power, and others are not." Epictetus lists what is in our power: opinion, desire, aversion, "and in a word, whatever are our acts." What is not in our power includes "the body, property, reputation," and "whatever are not our own acts."

The Greek phrase behind "in our power" is eph' hêmin, which the Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy also renders as "up to us." For Epictetus, what is up to us is our own judgments, intentions and choices; outside events are not.

For children, a fair simplification is: my choices, my effort, my words and how I treat people are up to me. Other people's choices, the weather, the score and the past are not. That is a kid-sized version, not the full philosophy, but it points in the right direction.

Preschoolers (about ages 3 to 5): two piles

Young children think concretely, so make the idea physical. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), on its HealthyChildren.org site, suggests giving preschoolers choices whenever possible, in food, clothes and games, while keeping the options simple, such as two or three items. Choices are a natural first taste of "up to me."

Try a sorting game. Draw a hand on one card ("I can choose") and a cloud on another ("I can't choose"). Name things and let your child place them: what shirt I wear, whether it rains, whether I say sorry, what my friend wants to play.

A hypothetical script, after rain cancels a park trip:

"You really wanted the park. I'm sad too. Is the rain a hand thing or a cloud thing?" (Cloud.) "Right, we can't choose the rain. What's a hand thing we could choose right now?" (Blocks? A blanket fort?) "Good choosing."

Notice the order: feelings first, then sorting, then a choice. The sorting never replaces comfort.

Grade schoolers (about ages 6 to 11): find my part

By early elementary school, children can handle lists and mixed situations. Most real problems contain both kinds of things, so the skill shifts from "is this up to me?" to "which part is up to me?"

The AAP's guidance on self-esteem notes that a child will feel more in control of events when they can make or influence decisions they consider important, as long as those choices fit their age, abilities and the family's values. Finding "my part" is a way to locate those decisions.

A hypothetical script, for a nine-year-old upset that she wasn't picked for a group project with her best friend:

"That's disappointing. Let's split it in two. What's not up to you here?" (The teacher's choice. Who's in my group.) "And what is up to you?" (How I act with my new group. Whether I sit with my friend at lunch.) "Which one do you want to work on first?"

Some families keep a two-column list on the fridge for a week. A game like the Dichotomy Game on this site can also make sorting practice quick and low-stakes.

One caution: avoid turning this into "it's your fault." Finding your part is about where your power is, not about blame.

Teens (about ages 12 to 18): the partly-up-to-me zone

Teens can handle the real complexity. The AAP describes early adolescents (about 10 to 13) as often having concrete, black-and-white thinking, and middle adolescents (about 14 to 17) as better able to think abstractly while strong emotions can still drive decisions in the moment. Teens are also pushing for more independence, so a lecture on Epictetus is likely to land badly.

Instead, ask questions. Many teen worries live in a middle zone: grades, friendships, getting a spot on a team. Your teen influences these but does not control them. Epictetus would say the effort and the choices are theirs, while the result belongs to the world. That framing lets a teen care a great deal and still keep their footing.

A hypothetical script, for a sixteen-year-old anxious about tryouts:

"What part of tryouts is actually yours?" (Practicing. Sleep. How I handle a bad drill.) "And what isn't?" (The coach. How good the other kids are.) "If you did everything in the first list well, would you be proud of yourself no matter what the roster says?"

Then stop talking. Teens often need to finish the thought on their own.

Common pitfalls

• Using it to shut down feelings. "That's not up to you, so stop crying" misses the point. Sad, angry and scared feelings are real. The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy notes that the Stoics recognized involuntary "pre-emotions" and healthy "good feelings," which belies the caricature of the unfeeling Stoic. Comfort first, then sort.
• Using it to excuse unfairness. If a child is bullied, "you can't control other kids" is not enough. Their response is up to them, and acting to protect them is up to you.
• Expecting instant mastery. Epictetus describes this as practice. Adults are still working on it too.
• Making it a test. If every disappointment becomes a quiz, kids will tune out. Use it sometimes, briefly, and mostly in calm moments.

Model it out loud

Children learn this best by watching. When you're stuck in traffic or a plan falls through, narrate your own sorting: "The traffic isn't up to me. Calling to say I'll be late is. So I'll do that, and then put on music."

The Harvard Center on the Developing Child lists, among factors that help children do well in the face of adversity, scaffolding learning so the child builds a sense of self-efficacy and control. Everyday modeling is a gentle form of that scaffolding: you show the skill, then hand it over bit by bit.

Key takeaways

• The Stoic idea of what is "up to us" comes from Epictetus, Enchiridion 1: our judgments, choices and acts are ours; outside events are not.
• Preschoolers learn it through simple choices and sorting games; grade schoolers by finding "my part" in a mixed situation; teens through open questions about effort versus outcome.
• Always acknowledge the feeling before sorting the situation.
• "Not up to me" never means "doesn't matter" or "my fault." It means "here is where my power is."
• Model the skill out loud in your own frustrations; it teaches more than any lesson.

Sources

• Epictetus, The Encheiridion, or Manual, in A Selection from the Discourses of Epictetus with the Encheiridion (trans. George Long), Project Gutenberg
• Keith H. Seddon, Epictetus, Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy
• American Academy of Pediatrics, Emotional Development in Preschoolers, HealthyChildren.org
• American Academy of Pediatrics, Building Blocks for Healthy Self Esteem in Kids, HealthyChildren.org
• American Academy of Pediatrics, Stages of Adolescence (Brittany Allen, MD, and Helen Waterman, DO), HealthyChildren.org
• Marion Durand, Simon Shogry and Dirk Baltzly, Stoicism, Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy
• Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, InBrief: The Science of Resilience