Stoics and Emotions: Why Stoicism Never Meant "Don't Feel"

Many parents hesitate about Stoicism for one reason: they do not want to raise a child who hides their feelings. That worry makes sense, because in everyday English "stoic" has come to mean exactly that. But the ancient Stoics were not trying to stop people feeling. They had a detailed, careful theory of emotion, and it is far more interesting and more humane than the stereotype.

The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy puts it directly: the Stoic account of good feelings "belies the caricature of the Sage as an unfeeling robot." This guide walks through the three pieces of that theory, passions, first movements and good feelings, and what they mean for family life.

What the Stoics meant by "passions"

The Stoics did teach that the ideal wise person, the Sage, is free of passions, in Greek pathe. That sounds like "no emotions," but the word meant something narrower. According to the Stanford Encyclopedia, a passion in Stoic theory is an impulse that is excessive and disobedient to reason, built on a mistaken judgment. It involves two errors: treating something as truly good or bad when it is not, and deciding that a certain reaction is called for.

They grouped passions into four families: distress, about a present thing judged bad; fear, about a future thing judged bad; appetite, for a future thing judged good; and delight, in a present thing judged good. Because each passion rests on a judgment, a judgment can be examined and, over time, changed.

The Stoics were also clear that their ideal was not coldness. Diogenes Laertius reports them saying that the word for being without passion can also describe a bad person, when "it means that he is callous and relentless" (Lives of the Eminent Philosophers 7.117, in R. D. Hicks's translation). That is the opposite of what they were aiming for. Epictetus said the same in his own way: he should not be "like a statue, but I ought to maintain the relations" of life, "as a son, as a father, as a citizen" (Discourses 3.2, in George Long's translation).

First movements: the reactions nobody chooses

Seneca's essay On Anger is the classic text on what scholars call first movements, or pre-emotions (propatheiai). Seneca describes reactions that happen without our consent, like "shivering when cold water is poured over us," and says plainly that "the first emotion is involuntary, and is, as it were, a preparation for a passion, and a threatening of one" (On Anger 2.2 and 2.4, in Aubrey Stewart's translation).

For Seneca, the flush of anger, the jolt of fear or the sudden tears are not failures. A passion, he wrote, "consists not in being affected by the sights which are presented to us, but in giving way to our feelings and following up these chance promptings" (On Anger 2.3, Stewart). The Stanford Encyclopedia notes that even the Sage experiences these reactions.

This lines up with what pediatric guidance tells parents. The American Academy of Pediatrics explains that when children are mad, their bodies react: their hearts beat faster, their faces feel hot, and it can be hard to think clearly. A child cannot prevent that surge. What children can learn, gradually, is what to do next.

Good feelings: joy, caution and wishing

The Stoics also described emotions they considered healthy, the eupatheiai or good feelings. Diogenes Laertius lists them: "three emotional states which are good, namely, joy, caution, and wishing" (7.116, Hicks). Joy is "rational elation," and caution is "rational avoidance." Under these headings the Stoics placed benevolence, friendliness, respect, affection, reverence, modesty, delight, mirth and cheerfulness.

So the Stoic ideal includes joy, warmth and good humor. What it excludes is being swept away by judgments that trivial things are catastrophic or that external prizes are everything.

To be fair to the Stoics, their ideal was demanding. There is no good feeling that corresponds to distress, and Seneca, writing to a friend who had lost someone, admitted he thought not mourning at all was "the better way." But he would not insist on it: "Let not the eyes be dry when we have lost a friend, nor let them overflow. We may weep, but we must not wail" (Moral Letters 63.1, in Richard Mott Gummere's translation). You can use the Stoic method without holding your children, or yourself, to the standard of the ideal Sage.

What this looks like at home

Stoic theory suggests a sequence that fits well with mainstream parenting advice:

1. Expect the first wave. Big reactions are normal. Do not tell a child to stop feeling; that is not what the Stoics taught.
2. Name it. The American Academy of Pediatrics says it is good for angry children to put their feelings into words, and not good to hit, break things or say hurtful things.
3. Calm the body first. Deep breaths, counting to ten or walking away come before any discussion. The Breathing Timer on this site can help.
4. Look at the judgment later. Once calm, ask gently: "What did you think was happening? Is it as big as it felt?" This is the Stoic step, examining the judgment rather than scolding the feeling.
5. Model it. Saying "I felt a flash of anger when the glass broke, so I took a breath before I answered" teaches more than any lecture.

Seneca's own advice to parents fits here: take care "neither to cherish a habit of anger in them, nor to blunt the edge of their spirit" (On Anger 2.21, Stewart). A spirited, feeling child is not a problem to be fixed.

When feelings need more support

It is normal for children to have difficult thoughts and feelings. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises that when they happen more than usual and get in the way of daily life, it could be a sign of something more serious. Watch for signs such as feeling on edge most of the time, persistent sadness or irritability, changes in sleep or eating, spending more time alone, or talking about death or suicide. Talk with your child's pediatrician, who can help you decide whether to see a mental health professional. If your child may be in danger, call or text 988 (US).

Key takeaways

• The Stoics opposed passions, meaning emotions built on mistaken judgments, not feeling itself.
• First movements, like a flush of anger or a jolt of fear, are involuntary and happen even to the wise.
• The Stoics valued good feelings: joy, caution and wishing, including affection, kindness and cheerfulness.
• At home: expect the wave, name it, calm the body, then examine the judgment together.
• Never ask a child to hide feelings; seek your pediatrician's help when feelings disrupt daily life.

Sources

• Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, Stoicism (2023), section 4.7 Passions
• Diogenes Laertius, Lives of the Eminent Philosophers, Book VII (R. D. Hicks, trans.)
• Seneca, Minor Dialogues, including Of Anger (Aubrey Stewart, trans., 1889)
• Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, Letter 63 (Richard Mott Gummere, trans.)
• Epictetus, A Selection from the Discourses of Epictetus with the Encheiridion (George Long, trans.)
• American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org), Everybody Gets Mad: Helping Your Child Cope with Conflict
• American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org), How to Talk with Your Child and Their Pediatrician About Mental Health Concerns
• American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org), What Should I Do If My Child or Teen Is Thinking About Suicide?